Foundation For Large Families
TEN ANSWERS TO SOCIAL WORKERS QUESTIONS ABOUT LARGE ADOPTIVE FAMILIES
These questions have been presented to us by various adoption agencies and social workers.
It is our hope that this document will be used to help alleviate the fears and uncertainty surrounding large adoptive families.
Permission is granted to copy and distribute for the sole purpose of building a better understanding and relationships between large adoptive families and agencies they work with.
QUESTION # 1 : How can a large family ever be able to give individual attention to each child when they have so many?
ANSWERS to #1:
“I give each of my children individual attention based on his or her individual needs. They know that my husband or I are available for a hug or counsel when needed. I major on the majors then delegate the minor to individual family members. For example, I will bandage a cut or nurse a sick child but one of my boys would probably be better at showing the youngest how to pitch a baseball or climb a tree.”
S.M./9 children
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“One of the things we do is having 'dates' with our children. We rotate and will take just one child with us for breakfast or lunch every week. Or just one child will run an errand with us. Also, we have each child involved with an individual activity that none of the other siblings do. This allows us to pay attention to them in one area where there is no competition from a sibling.”
P.D./8 children
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“First of all from 7-9 is individual time. My husband and I split up and we spend about ten minutes of one-on-one with each of the kids. We also have a sticker chart for individual time. When I spend individual time with a child (more than 10 minutes) I have them put a sticker on the chart. This makes it easy for me to tell at a glance who may be in need of more individual time. I can tell as I’m walking out the door who to take with me. Car rides are a great place to talk.”
M.R./40 children
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"Each family is different in their level of activity, their schedules, etc. So, there is no 'correct' or 'best' answer. In our case we are blessed as a family because my husband is retired…we have two full-time parents at home. The main thing with us is that we really enjoy being with the kids, playing with them, or just watching them not need us. We really do get excited when a child runs up to us and says, 'Mom, you just gotta come look what we found.' Once it was a squashed up mouse…but, usually it is something more interesting like a huge crane type bird in a tree, or a tiny dragonfly on the top of Rita’s head. We also feel it is important for the kids to see parents who have a life separate from them; our kids brag that their mom and dad go on a 'date' every Friday.
It is important to us to recognize that we need to respond to the child’s need at the time of the need. Kids are so active, that the needs come up at a moment’s notice, without any planning. For instance, the other day Roger really 'needed' Dad to play baseball with him. Dad was doing something else, but dad was willing and able to stop what he was doing to play with Roger. At another time, it was not possible to stop, so he said he would do it in ½ hour. My husband then made sure that he kept his promise, and later played ball with him. The child needs to know that the parent will do it at a later time, so it is important for the parent to honor the child by not forgetting.
There are also so many quick, unplanned ways to give the child attention. One can just give a simple pat on the head as a child passes. One can give a great big hug when the child climbs out of the car. There are marvelous opportunities for heart to heart talks when traveling to another soccer practice or school program. Even a parent putting a child’s picture up on the refrigerator gives the child a sense that the parent appreciates their artistic works (and it sure is better then mom getting upset because the art has been drawn on the wall, ha, ha). Even during a doctor’s visit: drawing with your child while in the waiting in the waiting room: reading a story, playing word/imagination games, or singing while waiting in the examining room. I guess it is just taking advantage of each 'window of opportunity.'
There also needs to be, at least for us, regular 'rituals' each day. For us, the kids must have a song just before going to bed, and that usually needs to be mom. Dad is needed to give an extra hug and a blanket straightened just before bedtime. Rita just must have her beanie-baby shopping day with mom, each Wednesday. That is the day when everyone else is in school. She and mom have our schedule: go to Hallmark so Rita can draw a picture, stop at a toy store where Rita can play with the train set, stop at the pet store, and of course have a lunch at the mall. Bea’s favorite thing to do with dad is to take him out for dinner and a movie (during budget hour of course). She spends her own money for that, and gets so excited being able to do that with her dad. The kids even beg to go to the grocery store…usually because we also stop for a milkshake or something afterwards. But that time is great, and also educational.
We are also very flexible, and can quickly pack up a lunch to go to the park on a sunny day. There are also other things that are very important to us and the kids: reading together, walking down to the ponds to check out the ducks, walking to get the mail (which always involves the discovery of a new flower bud, the squirrels in the tree, a strange bug, or a beautiful bird), even playing a game together on the computer (and it is amazing how much the child learns when they think they are just having a great time playing a game).
Because my husband is retired, it makes it easier for us to have the time to give the kids attention, but the main benefit is that we have more opportunities to experience the joys of being with the child, watching them discover, grow, helping them develop empathy, smiling as we see them become more independent (yes, that means their growing away from us…often a tear joins our smile)."
Mary/27 children
QUESTION # 2: What will happen to all of your children should you and your husband die, become disabled or divorce?
ANSWERS to #2:
“We have a guardian appointed in our will. For our last adoption our social worker interviewed her. She is an old social worker who placed several kids with us years ago, is single, an MSW, and has run a group home.“
MG.A./53 children
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"We have three sets of guardians set up if anything should happen to us.”
L.S./15 children
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"The only way this will ever happen is in case of our death. We adopted with the same convictions as our marriage vows. We have already set the plan in place that if something happens to us an older adult sibling knows which younger siblings they will raise. We addressed this issue with our very first adoption and each consecutive adoption."
Sue/14 children
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“We understand that no husband/wife team ever 'plans' on becoming divorced so being realistic our answer would be that we would seek all available counseling before ever breaking up our family. We also have plans in place should anything happen to my husband or I. This is something we encourage all large adoptive families to discuss and have written plans in place.”
S.M./25 children
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"When we first were asked this question, we quickly answered, "Our older kids, of course." We had already talked with them and they agreed. But...as time went on, we realized that no one knows what the future will be like. A family could move to a too-small home; they could have financial or health problems. For us, it would be naive to think everything will be the same today for a family to take the kids in the future.
So, our will talks of a committee made up of family and friends. Most of the members are ones that say they would take the kids, but there are a few who love the kids, but feel they could not parent them. This committee will decide where the kids are placed. We wrote in our desires, if things could work out, for the placements. We also wrote out the names of a couple of people we would NOT want to have our chidren go. Since it might not be possible for all the kids to be placed in the same home, we wrote which kids must be together also. We wrote financial considerations: the house would be paid in full, major bills would be paid, (insurance type things), etc."
Sue/Children
QUESTION # 3: Many large families are multi cultural, How do you handle cultural and ethnic issues in a large family?
ANSWERS to #3:
“When I asked my AA friend who lives in an exclusively caucasion community what they do to deal with ethnic issues she told me …If a child is being raised in a Godly home, then there will be no ethnic issues.”
P.D./8 children
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“We as a muti racial family do honor all holidays of different cultures because this is part of their HISTORY not just color.”
Pam
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“I’m having trouble seeing this as a large family issue. A large family is accustomed to encouraging individual differences, which I think makes them open to even more. I believe it’s small families that would have more of a problem with cultural and ethnic issues.”
Linda/13 children
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“In todays society it is easy to expose ones' children to many different cultures, especially since America is the 'melting pot' of the world. If we become aware of a cultural festival going on in a surrounding community, we will attend as a family, not just the one child of that culture. In this way we are exposing our children to many different cultures and thereby making them more knowledgeable and accepting of others' differences.”
S.M./25 children
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"We do a lot like the others have done. We live in a university town, so these types of activities are plentiful. We have a multitude of multi-curtural books and music, and pictures. The hardest part has been trying to find AA ballarina dolls or figurines!! My 6 year old daughter who is AA/Hispanic said to me, 'Mom, can't brown girls like me be ballarina's...I never see any.' We had been shopping at a Christmas decoration store, and there were many, many cute 'white' ballerinas for the Christmas tree, but not one was AA and few were even Asian.
At playgrounds, our 5 year AA son always gravitates towards AA kids. We are white and we will never truly be able to understand what it is like to be AA. We can maybe think we know what it feels like, when our child is with us and he/she experiences prejudice (rare for us, but it does happen)...I feel angry...but, when I am not with the child, the prejudice does not happen...my child cannot go in and out of his skin color. He is AA, and even though to me it is beautiful (especially compared to my weathered, sunburned face), some do not feel the same way.
The most important thing to realize though, is that the child probably will experience prejudice no matter what 'color' his/her parents are!! That is why I feel we must do what we can, to help all of our children develope a strong sense of pride, but it will not be perfect."
K.S./9 children
QUESTION # 4: Are you financially benefiting from adopting children?
ANSWERS to #4:
“This is one of my pet peeves about adopting. People are so intrusive to assume I receive money for my children. I do not. My fees varied for adoptions depending on what agency I used but we handled the expenses and my children were not 'bought', though some adoptions were higher in cost. I find it insulting when people ask, 'How can you possibly afford to raise all those kids?' I also feel that if a child is entitled to a subsidy than the family should take full advantage of it.“
M.
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“If families were financially benefiting from either foster care or adoption, there would not be such a great need for more foster/adoptive families! Twice in the past I have received letters from judges asking if families were benefiting financially by adopting more children. Both times I have challenged them to show me how this could be. Children cost money to raise, feed, clothe. I outright told both judges that when you weigh subsidies against the child’s special needs…the only answer could be…it wouldn’t be worth all the aggravation adoptive families have to go through.”
S.M./25 children
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“When we first looked into adoption we figured we would be the ones paying the fees to adopt. We didn’t feel right accepting subsidy to raise a child so this is what we have planned. We will divide it up, part will pay for private tuition at a school and part will be given to budget and learn to handle money, some in savings and tithing. Part will also go into a monthly grocery budget.”
P.D.
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"Do we benefit? At first I just laughed, and said, 'We'd benefit fiancially, if we didn't have so many kids.' Then, I considered how some might feel. We do receive Adoption Subsidies and Supplemental Security Income. Those help us to be able to give permanence to the kids. There is no way they give us extra money to travel to Europe, etc. But it does help pay for the things insurance doesn't pay for...it helps pay for extra schooling that we feel the child needs...it helps pay for the things other kids have: sports equipment, being part of a soccer team, piano lessons, even camping trips. One way we benefit? The main benefit to us is the opportunity to parent these kids, to learn from them, to watch them accept being loved and then watching them show love. What an absolute miracle for some of these kids!!"
F. 6 Children
QUESTION # 5: Don’t you realize that ALL large families end up having problems within the family structure and end up splitting up?
ANSWERS to #5:
"You're kidding me, right? I have been married to the same man for 25 years. Divorce is not an option for us. We are devoted to our family. Life is not an easy path to travel, no one ever said it was; it’s hard work. You do the best you can. You love and care for people..not because you have to but because you want to. There are a few families that broke up, but most of us are still together.
I think people who choose to adopt, work through life's hard times. We all have had them. I’m sure there will be more to come, but we pull together, lean on family and friends. Like we do here, (on the FFLF list)that’s family. Even if we are not close in miles, we are close in heart.”
L.W./17
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"Lots of things run through my mind in answer to this. As a single mom, mainly of teens and foster parent for 18 years and a parent trainer for just as long. Breakups of family can happen with one child or two dozen! Numbers don’t matter. It’s all a matter of commitment.”
P.
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"That may be true of some families, just as it is true in smaller families as well. This is like forming a prejudice against an entire group based on the facts of a few. How can you assume that everyone with a large family would end up in a divorce? Just like we cannot assume something of an individual based on race, economic status, religion, etc. I have been married for 21 years and we have 10 children so far. We have foster, adopted and biological kids. We work together as a team for the good of our family.”
A./10 children
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"This is a question that every parent should consider, not just large families though. Divorce does happen even in good "Christian" families. For us, we realize that our marriage will be tested to the fullest extent, especially with children with behavior problems. During those times, it is an absolute necessity that the couple be a couple, that they take time for themselves, that they remember they love each other. Those are simple things, obvious things, but things which if overlooked due to stresses, can ruin even a good 'Christian' marriage.
Our marriage must be worked on...daily. Our marriage is actually more important then anything, because we could not parent our kids (whether we had 2.4 or 18), if our marriage were falling apart. We get out once a week, not in the evening for a movie and dinner, but Friday mornings until 1:00. During those times we do the things we like: walking, gardening, shopping (yes, especially for plants, etc.), and things like that. These times give us a chance to talk, not just about the kids though, but about the things we both enjoy."
B./8 Children
QUESTION # 6: How and when does a large family decide that their family is complete?
ANSWERS to #6:
“I can only speak for our family, of course. My husband knows I grew up with a dream of having twelve children. Because we speak about that dream from time to time, our children think that we still need three more children. We look at the issues..Do we have space for that child? If the answer is yes, then we look at the finances. If we still answer yes then we look at the emotional state of our family: are we balanced at this time or are we adjusting to some major change already? If we can still answer yes to that question then we can call the agency and have them send out a social worker to start a homestudy.”
V./9 children
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“I have heard social workers refer to mega families as 'collectors,' I have also heard some refer to it as an 'addiction' to adoption. We refer to it as a 'choice.' Many of us have raised one set of children and as they are growing up and moving out we are adopting the next set of children. Is it too hard to believe that one could actually LOVE parenting? Just as a husband and wife choose to give birth to more children, they choose to adopt more children. When one gives birth to a child they have no choice in the matter as to what that child will be like, but when one chooses to adopt they can choose what they can and cannot handle.“
S.M./25 children
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“Why is it looked upon as strange that we are willing to bring more children into our lives? I don’t know if our family will ever be COMPLETE. Why do people think that caring for their children is PUNISHMENT? It is who I am. I’ve always known I would adopt. If there is a need and we are capable, why question it? I don’t know why we have to explain our motives over and over again. I say obviously, it would be a problem for the person asking…otherwise…you wouldn’t ask.“
L./17 children
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"Being Christians, we leave that up to the Lord. But...He gives us direction. There have been times when we said 'No' to a child or sibling group's social worker. We were given the opportunity to adopt 2 brothers of one of our daughters, but we felt it would not work out (we had 3 boys about the same age). Years later we heard that they had severe emotional problems, right from the start. We cannot and will not adopt all kids we hear about. So, it is not a matter of 'collecting' kids or seeing how many we can adopt. It's a matter of our looking at our current family, evaluating each child already here, then deciding if it is time to adopt, or the type of child to adopt. We then pray."
Mary
QUESTION # 7: As a social worker I know many families who only have one child with behavioral problems and can’t handle it, how is it that large families are raising so many children with multiple behavior issues? I think large adoptive families are setting themselves up for failure!
ANSWERS to #7:
“WRONG! As straightforward as the logic of this assumption is, it is based on an erroneous thought that if ONE behaviorally challenged child is difficult, two must be TWICE as hard. In fact the experience we gain from our emotionally and behaviorally difficult children helps PREPARE us for the next. We already have the support, the training, some first hand knowledge and to some extent we are ready for the next child.“
"Been there…done that…so to speak.”
PCR/7 Children
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“I think we develop patience, knowledge, support, unconditional love and realistic expectations for the future. We rely on help from friends. We learn how to find the information we need. I also think you need a good sense of humor and a feeling of contentment in your life.”
M./8 Children
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“Some of us have been at this for so long now that what may become an aggravating behavior in a smaller family does not phase the larger family. We learn to know our children. We know how and when to react to a behavior issue, we also have learned over the years that sometimes addressing the problem immediately will not get the best result. We have learned to be patient and wait to respond to a behavioral issue instead of responding immediately in the way the child is expecting or forcing us to. Sometimes having more than one child with behavioral issues is best because the child begins to see that they are not the only one with issues. They do not feel singled out.”
S.M./25 children
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"As we get older we realize that the types of children we want to parent have changed. We also realize, that for us, the child with a physical problem sure is a lot easier then a child with a severe emotional problem. One can easily 'see' the need for braces and do that, but when one 'see's' the emotinal turmoil a child is going through, one realizes that there is not a 'brace' to be bought that will help the child.
Each family must look at their current abilities, and decide what is best for them. The stresses become overwhelming when a family takes on more and more without first looking at the current situation in the home. They must consider the needs of the children already in their home first. The parenting of these needy kids (especially with emotional problems) requires daily, VERY open communication between the parents. That doesn't just mean talking, but it means being able to truly understand what the other parent is saying and feeling."
M.
QUESTION # 8: “A large family could never handle the everyday activities like a small family could, like eating meals together, celebrating birthdays, going on vacations; I’ll bet the kids are never able to join in any community activities such as sports teams.”
ANSWERS to #8:
"We eat at least two meals together daily. We have a 15 passenger van and often travel together. Birthdays! We have them all the time, we love to have a reason to party and celebrate. We host most holidays at our house. Most of our children are talented atheletes and participate in many activities outside the home. We make all of our children’s games a family outing(basketball, hockey, track). Our children always have the biggest fan section.”
M/10 children
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“We eat dinner together almost every night. Breakfasts are in two shifts (due to schedules not size!). We always go on annual vacations together. The children are all free to pursue their own interests, in fact they are encouraged. We are as normal as any small family out there.”
T.W./31 children
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“Birthdays…all the time, ha, ha. We have most of our birthdays at our home. Family is always involved with the planning of eats, gifts, games, etc. Usually, we play two main games. One is making up words from letters in the birthday person’s name, and answering questions about the birthday person (like what is their favorite TV sport to watch). Often we will play Bingo, but sometimes just picture bingo if the birthday person can’t read. We always have extended family also. We also let the birthday person invite friends. If it is summer, it is hoped it can be outside, with the use of the wading pool. Easter Egg hunts, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are always done at our home, with extended family. The festivities last for several days, and the kids love the fixing of the foods, almost as much as their presents.
Vacations…camping is our favorite activity, with a tent trailer. As our kids have grown though, the number going changes. The older kids often have jobs they don’t want to leave for a week. One child, A. is severely autistic, and hates changes of any kind, so I have an adult foster parent friend in Portland who “baby-sits” her for the week. That can be expensive, but it sure is better then taking a screaming kid (even if 16). We usually have family memberships to a Zoo, or Aquarium, and historical places . We always camp out once a year, to visit with Grandma and our Aunt and Uncle (they stay in a motel though). Our sons from another state like to come and camp with us also. E., 33 will be camping with us the early part of August. Otherwise, we do a lot of activities in the area. We do have a 15-passenger van to take as many as we like though, in addition to the 8 passenger mini van and 5 passenger Honda.
Breakfasts are in the morning, ha, ha. People come and go as their time to go varies, some leaving at 7:00, others not until 9:00. J. has mobility training before school 3 times a week, so her times change. Lunches during the summer are at noon, usually outside, for whomever is home. Dinners are usually prepared by Dad, and served for everyone around 5:30-7:00, depending on what sporting event or rehearsal or practice or concert is that night.
Our kids are involved in a lot of community projects, school activities, and church events. Some are greeters at church, or help with the overhead projector (sometimes interesting when the child can’t read). Some have gone to Mexico to help out in the community there. One child takes piano lessons, and others are on soccer, basketball, or track teams. We participate in helping the homeless (giving our change, serving meals, singing, etc.)."
J./7 children
QUESTION # 9: “Why does your family continue to adopt?”
ANSWERS to #9:
“Because there is a need. Because we love children Because we can so we do.“
C.K./21 children
“Because we feel led by the Lord to adopt. Since we are both home full time and are still young enough to raise, train and love a child. We don’t just want to do foster care; we want to have them forever in our home, even if they grow up and leave home, they will still have a mom and dad who love them and they can talk to.”
G.K./7 Children
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“Our family has continued adopting because we feel we have the experience to help children. We enjoy our medically fragile children. We have learned we get great joy out of even the simplest things these precious children can do.“
S.M./25 Children
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"Just because we so enjoy parenting and children. The joys we have just watching a child who is blind, stand up on a stage and sing a song from her heart, with no fears...watching kids her age give her a standing ovation...hearing her say, 'Mom, I am so thankful God gave you to me for a mom,' just brings me to tears every time. And, even during the really tough times, like hearing that your 6 year old son has a brain tumor...the things I learn are inspiring. I just can't believe the wonderful things I have learned because of my children. So, yes, we will continue, until we feel we are unable to parent with joy, and patience and hope and of course health."
M.
QUESTION # 10: OUR TURN ! “What do you want social workers and agencies to know about the future status of large families or the placement of children?“
ANSWERS to #10:
“...of the many families that I have known on some level throughout my 45 years of life, the ones with the most well adjusted children have been large. In fact many people comment to me that my own children are very well behaved, carry on interesting conversations with people of various ages, generally look nice and are just pleasant to be around. Organization helps the large family run smoothly. If children are involved in the everyday workings of their family they are better prepared for adulthood. In small families it seems like the children would be less involved in the details of how the family functions. Often times families with only one or two children find that those children prefer to spend their quality time with their friends who have large families. I honestly can’t think of any advantages to having a small family. I think limiting the number of adoptions is wrong. The children are happy, growing well, and usually bonding to their new parents and siblings. The parents are happy with their lives.
Why should anyone else choose what lifestyle one family or the other wants? Perhaps, we think it is strange that some people don’t like children. Or that anyone would rather fly to Hawaii or Australia or some far off place than spend time playing catch or reading with a child. Don’t people with no children get lonely? Of course, that is their right to choose the life they want. PLEASE allow us to choose the life we want.“
V.T/ 9 children
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“Do not judge all large families because a few have fallen. On a daily basis small families disinegrate yet nobody is there to judge them.”
J.K./18 children
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“To me, pretty much, the proof is in the pudding so to speak. Look at the fruits of our labor. With my kids, 7 former foster care children are now in college...I have several kids whose parents were in gangs, prison, etc. yet now they are making good choices, rejecting that violent past from which they came from. My son (10) looked around the dinner table the other night and spontaneously blurted out, 'I sure do love this big ole family!' It is such a representation of, to them, of love, such a source of security, and so much a symbol of who we are.”
C.B./30 children
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“I firmly believe that the family size must not be the determining factor as to whether the family should or should not adopt. There are people who have two kids, do a wonderful job, but who should never adopt more. There are abuses in all sizes of families. If size alone were the thing that causes abuse, then why do so many abuses happen in small families? One needs to be very careful not to put their own abilities or lack of abilities as the determining factor or judgment value. In other words, one caseworker may not be able to handle being in a room full of hyper-preschoolers in an open gym, but that should not mean a certain teacher cannot handle the preschoolers just fine.
I think it is more important to look at the whole picture, how the parents work together, how they solve problems with the kids, even how they solve disagreements between themselves. And…ask whatever questions you have. I’d rather have you ask something, then to just assume how we would answer. When you ask questions, be ready to learn something new, do not come with pre-judgmental answers that you think the family should have for your questions.
I also think that even if there has been a problem, and some kind of resolution, the family probably is stronger for having gone through the problem or problems. It is most important for any sized family to learn how to be advocates for their children, to know the resources available for the kids, and then know how to use those resources. Most Large families have already learned the system from prior experience.
One main thing to remember: large families often are the only ones who will take the more difficult children. Some of these children may never be “successful” in life, but they have the knowledge that a family loves them. If the child turns out badly, it probably is not the fault of the family, but of the serious, permanent harm the child received in his/her birth family. Many large families can weather out a difficult child, where a small family would disrupt.
Success may need to be re-defined to something like: being loved even when one is unlovable. And…the child’s journey to his/her permanent home, may take a few detours, through a couple of other families first. Each family has their own strengths and weaknesses, and not all children can fit into all families. A few, a very few, children will never fit into any family, no matter what the family is like…these families who tried, cannot/should not be blamed. Most large families know their limits, or know the kinds of children they feel they can parent. To me knowing ones limits is an asset, so ask the family what they feel are their strengths and weaknesses, what types of children they feel they can and cannot parent, etc.
There are a couple of things that would concern me: do the parents enjoy each other (must be yes), do they take all children offered to them (I would be very cautious if the answer is yes), and how does the couple resolve the conflict if the mom wants to adopt but the husband doesn’t (another major problem I felt with a mega sized family)? Actually, those concerns would be true if I had them for small sized families also.
I would want to know what the family plans are if one parent is sick or another child is in the hospital for several days or longer, how do they handle meals, child’s concerts, etc. Another concern I would have, is if a teen were responsible totally or mostly for the medical care of a child…this too happened to a mega-sized family, but to none or the regular large sized families.
Okay, I know, I know, you are now wondering what is a mega-sized family, how many kids? I can’t answer that with a number, but a mega sized family is one that has so many kids they are no longer a family, with a mom and dad heading the family, but more like a business, with mom and dad as the overseers, with lots of help from others (kids and community). There is a single mom of 30 in another state, who is successful, but she too knows her limits, and takes mainly older, sibling groups, and not children who need medical care or wheelchairs."
M
QUESTION # 11: When a parent is sick, the kids in a large family must be neglected. How on earth can parents deal with their own sicknesses? Also, many large families have children who have to be hospitalized, I bet a lot of times the older kids have to take over the parenting during those times, or else the parents cannot give attention to the child in the hospital? Again, how on earth is it possible?
ANSWER to #11:
“When my husband was not retired, and I was sick, he would take time off from work to help out. Now that he is retired, it is easy; the ‘well’ parent just has less free time. The most difficult times has been once or twice in our whole 36 years of marriage, when we were both sick at the same time, along with 3 or 4 of the kids. One just has to do what they can between vomiting sessions, etc.
Hospitalizations: we believe that one of us must be with the child for the whole time. It is hardest for mom to be away from the hospital, so she is the one who stays the longest. When M. had his brain surgery, we quickly called our church. They provided meals for about 2 ½ weeks, brought over everything needed and already cooked (even desserts). It usually took 2-3 families, ha, ha. The one child who is autistic stayed with my friend who is an adult care provider. Another child stayed with another friend here. An older adult child (able bodied and able minded) stayed at our home. Another adult child was on-call for school questions, etc. We put together folders on each child, with medical information, schedules, current picture, birth dates, etc. before the hospitalizations, so we have them pretty current at all times.
We also used friends from church to drive kids to school, practice, etc. One must swallow their pride at times like that, and ask for help. It is not a sign of weakness, just a sign of need. We are blessed with such a supportive church, community, and extended family!! I/mom was able to stay the whole 2-3 weeks with M.. Dad stayed for the first two nights, and then went back home, but the church insisted on keeping up the meals until I came home.
For regular emergencies, we have two car phone numbers so we are in contact with each other easily. The schools, etc. know our car phone numbers as well. Even when Dad is gardening, he has a battery operated two way radio with him, and the other one with mom, so we can contact each other quickly even if on opposite sides of the property.”
M.