Moms With Lots of Kids
Feature Family
Well, where did this all start? I guess one could say that for Mary it began when she was a child wishing that her baby doll was a real baby. This was followed by wanting to run an orphanage when she was in her teens. Marriage was never at the front of her mind, but having children was always something she knew she wanted. She married and had her oldest daughter right after she turned 18. She had another daughter about three years later and then a son less than two years later. At the age of 28 she became a single working mother of three children.
Mary began her career in fostering and adoption in January 1989. Mary became the foster parent in 1990 to a 16-month-old little boy who had been found wondering the streets. At this time Mary's first three children were 12, 9 and 7 and excited about having a new child. This little boy would become her first son through adoption in late 1994. During her time as a foster mother she cared for as many as nine children at one time and a total of at least 22 foster children had found shelter in and been loved in Mary's home. There is of course good and bad in everything and while the children loved the excitement of the parties and events that go along with fostering, sometimes the adjustments to new children weren't the easiest. The state of Florida enacted a law in 1991 that forbid employees from fostering children in their county and then later they stopped employees from fostering at all. Once the state prevented Mary from fostering, did the loving stop? The answer is no! Mary spent time trying to help a former foster daughter maintain an adult life outside of the foster program. This included in taking care of the girls infant daughter during several times of need. The baby was repeatedly in and out of Mary's home, but the bottom line was that because of the state law forbidding employees to foster children, the child could not officially be placed in Mary's care even though there was an obvious bond with Mary.
Amongst all of this Mary received a call in 1995 from out of state requesting that she meet with a hard to place, troubled, preteen girl. Mary fought with her own fears of flying in order to meet this child and determine if she could give her what she needed. The meeting went well and Mary came home and shared her experience with her family. As a family they decided that they could give this girl a home. There were bumps in the road, but everyone was able to adjust and move forward as a family.
The year of 1997 brought another new person into the family. Clarence and Mary got married and the family officially consisted of a mother, father, and six children. One of these children was still not adopted, this child being the daughter of Mary's former foster daughter. Yes, it's been four years and this little girl's dream had not come true. Mary and Clarence would continue to fight for the stability and permanence that would make this little girl a part of their forever family.
February 1999 Mary received a call at work from a friend saying that she had given Mary's name to somebody that was looking for a placement for a four year old little girl with Down's Syndrome. She was told that the little girl was homeless and in Florida. This began a 15 month long battle with agencies, birth family, and the government to make sure that this little girl was given a home, care and love that she deserved.
A set of aging grandparents were led to Mary and Clarence after having read an article featuring Mary and her daughter. Their grandson has Downs Syndrome and they felt that this would be the family for him. November 1999 brought them together as a family and they have perminant court custody of a two year old little boy. The grandparents visit when they are able and feel that are happy with their decision to have their grandson raised in this family.
We've reached the year 2000 and it is now that Mary decides to leave her career in the child welfare program and be a full time mom. A new baby comes into the home, he was only weeks old and was diagnosed with Downs Syndrome at birth. Mary is experiencing sleep deprivation for the first time in years, but it is well worth the exchange for this wonderful child. May 2000 brings the family joy as they finalize the adoption of a once homeless little girl. What was in their hearts has now been made official, she is their daughter! This only leaves one child in their care who is has not been adopted, yet they have cared for her the entire six years of her life.
Just recently, after fighting for 7 years, Mary and Clarence had the official papers for their ninth child. It was a long hard battle, but the family and little girl had won their right to be with each other permanently. The war is not over, as they continue to fight for the subsidies due to their children and the rights to therapies and many other things. The family is continuing to build their dream home which will be called a ranch. The ranch will allow them a better house to accomodate the needs of all of their children. It will also give them the space they need to have all of their animals at home. They currently have six horses, two dogs, fish a bird and three Mini Shetland ponies that are on loan for life for their disabled children. They hope to add many more farm animals one day. The three oldest girls are out on their own, one is married and has a child, the second is pursuing her education, and the third just set out to begin her life as an adult. Their oldest son is on his own, but will be moving on to the ranch property soon. They have six special needs and Down's Syndrome children at home who all require different types of therapies. It's a full day in the house and with one steady income it's hard to make ends meet. Mary finds good buys at a local thrift store and makes additional money speaking at conferences. They find good deals on equipment and supplies to build their home by having places sell them things are reduced prices or cost when the items are no longer being carried. It is a slow process, but they hope to sell their current home and be on the property before October when they hope to be bringing a new baby home.
I have spent a month getting to know Mary and her family and she has been an inspirationg for me. I asked her what she thought her family had gained from being a large family. Mary answered, "Patience, unconditional love, sharing, being thrifty, hard workers, self sufficient, and quick showers." I followed this up by asking her what is the hardest thing about having a large family, to which she responded, "Hiring babysitters is our current issue. That will pass. The short trip to the store becomes a major trip with all of the kids."
I'm amazed that with everything that Mary has been through she still obviously has a great sense of humor. I knew that anybody that can retain that must have some great advice. So, I asked Mary what advice she would give to others with large families or those wishing to adopt. Mary suggests that if you have a large family to make sure you have the house set up to make life easier. Don't get in over your head financially. Get a good nights sleep and remember your mate. Make dates that are just for the two of you a priority. Keep friends close as a respite and adult conversation. If you plan on adopting be sure it is what you want, have no preconceived fantasies that it will be all sugar and spice. You need to be informed, realistic, have support set up, and don't expect too much too soon. Do not let anything fester, ask questions and make sure that they are answered. Be a good listener, and be open to love. Above all, remember that these are children, born from you or to you they are all the same and as a parent you need to be there to guide them. This is a job, a hard one at times, but in the end the payoff is great children! I hope that I've put this family in your minds and hearts. It has been wonderful for me to learn about them and feel things through their story. They have touched my life and when things get tough I have something to think about.
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