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I tell every adoptive parent who contacts me that they can't approach raising their child in the way as parents raising a birth child. Rather, I tell them to conceptualize their role as 'therapeutic parent,' where every interaction - and its result - with their adopted child is deliberate and thoughtful. For example, when a parent punishes a birth child, the child rarely believes that the ultimate consequence will be parental abandonment. In the mind of the adopted child, however, parents leave. These children often believe that it is a matter of time before they are once again abandoned. If a parent fails to recognize this, relying instead on blind faith in their commitment to the child, they miss a vital life experience of the adopted child.
As anyone who has been dumped by a partner or spouse can tell you, being left by another person doesn't feel good. In addition, it leaves us feeling out of control of our lives. Issues of control are therefore paramount for adopted children. Many feel they have no control in their lives and thus they do whatever they can to get it. I've seen some adopted children who are so convinced they will be abandoned again that they purposely and brutally antagonize their family members. Their belief system becomes, "Yes, I will be abandoned. But at least this time I'll be in control, by causing it to happen."
Adopted children are also incredibly hypervigilant. Their survival depends upon it. Therefore, they cue into subtleties and an enormous amount of effort goes into anticipating the actions of others. This is what makes it difficult for parents, particularly those who are preoccupied or coping with other stressors in their lives. Slowly and deliberately, their child knows all their weaknesses and vulnerabilities. When the child feels threatened or out of control, he or she knows how to 'get' mom or dad. Only later do the parents realize the ways in which the child controls many aspects of family life, often solely determining through manipulative behavior whether they will all have a good day or a horrible day.
Page 4: Anger
Perhaps one of the major oversights adoptive parents make - one that agencies fail to adequately prepare parents for - is the role anger plays in the life of the adopted child. Many parents that I consult with mistakenly believe that a loving, stable home is enough for the adopted child; that a good home environment will make better all the losses or traumas from the past. To the adopted child, however, love isn't enough. They have lost a great deal and they typically get little validation for this from those around them. Instead, many get the message they should stop wallowing and be grateful.
Those of us who weren't adopted cannot fully grasp the meaning of being given away. As I work with adoptive parents on listening to their child, this issue becomes paramount. From the adult perspective, the adopted child was taken out of an unsafe environment and this should be seen as good. From the child's point of view, however, something very valuable was taken away: their home, their identity, their family.
Children are quite adept at communicating their feelings. Strange as it is, adults consistently miss the messages. For the adopted child, anger is his way of communicating feelings of loss, grief, fear, and terror. Unfortunately, these messages get misinterpreted and the child subsequently gets labeled as defiant. I would say that the majority of school age adopted children I see have been diagnosed with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and prescribed medication. This reflects a poor understanding of adoptive child behavior. These children often don't have ADHD. They're angry and fearful. It is difficult to pay attention, sit still, and get along with others when your world is one of unrecognized loss.
Conclusion
I am certainly not suggesting that adults stop adopting children. Nor am I insinuating that every adopted child will have behavioral or emotional disturbance. What I am pointing out, however, is that the needs and concerns of adopted children are unique. When we truly listen to the adopted child, we can better understand how he or she is attempting to make sense out of a life where they are asked to relinquish one identity and assume another. Further, by being sensitive to the inner reality of the adopted child, we let them know we understand how confusing it can be to live in a world of ghosts, surrogate parents, and loss.
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